Tag Archives: marriage

On Marrying Young

by admin

A friend of mine, a young lady who is just entering into marriage, shared with her friends an article containing 5 reasons why one guy got married before age 23.    The piece is pretty love-oriented, and it’s not wrong, but I don’t know if it deals fully with all the reasons why people put off marriage today.  I do think it nails the biggest one: fear.  Fear of missing out on “single life”.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  So many fears.Scared Kirk

Full disclosure: my parents married young – they were 19 when they married.  They are still married.  My aunts and uncles all married young – I think the oldest to get married was my Dad’s twin brother who won a bet by making it to 30.  The rest all married in their late teens or young twenties.  All are still married.  Of my cousins close in age to me, half married in their early twenties.  No divorces.  So my experience is that there is no relationship between marrying early and marital happiness, or likelihood of divorce.  I think it has much more to do with expectations.

Scared PsychoBut I want to focus on fear in this post.  Do you worry that you might choose wrong if you are young?  That you might not know yourself or what you want?  That you haven’t “lived” yet?  That you are young and broke, won’t have the money for college, won’t be able to provide?

I’ll start with a caveat.  I am a Bible-believing Christian, and I do take seriously the fact that God is clear in His word that a man should be prepared to provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8).  That said, I am equally convinced that nowhere does the Bible say that everyone needs to start marriage debt free, owning a nice house and car, and with a substantial RRSP in place.  These are ridiculous expectations that people use to disguise their fear as wisdom, and keep themselves from blessing (Proverbs 18:22).

I plan to raise my sons to prepare for marriage young.  Not because I am old fashioned, but for other reasons.  But the biggest one is for them not to fear.  My experience has been that there should be no fear to marrying young.  Caution, yes, but not fear.  Let me tell you my experience. Read the rest of this entry »


Why Marriage Vows?

by admin

I saw a friend share a short piece on how to tell if you are with the right person.  The piece got me thinking, so I dug around Google to find out the source of the article.  I found it on this blog.  So go ahead and read it – it is a solid bit of writing that points out, if I can so cheaply summarize, that the question, “Am I married to the right person?” is the wrong question.  It is a common question but it only gets asked because the person who asks it has failed to answer this question: When the initial infatuation wears off, am I
Happy Couple
willing to learn to love the person I am with?

This insight is brilliant.  Because in my humble opinion (and I say this with a great deal of sensitivity), barring extreme situations of abuse or massive cataclysmic events in your relationship, most marriages that fail or struggle do so because of that question.  We seem to forget the vows we spoke before God and witnesses that we committed to love that person for the rest of our lives.

We confuse the physical hormonal responses of infatuation with love, and then fail to do the basic logic necessary to realize that you can’t command your dopamine receptors to shower you with pleasure signals at the mere presence of that person – because you can’t command glands to secrete anything into your body.   If love is being “in love”, then it will end.  And therefore it is simply wrong and an outright lie to marry anyone.  If you believe that being “in love” is what marriage is all about, then you will break your vows and divorce.

But the vows we say are predicated on a different understanding of love.  We say, “Do you promise to love… until death do you part…” because inherent in that statement is the understanding that you can’t promise to feel love forever.  But you can promise to choose to love.  Love is a choice.

And if it’s a choice, then there is no excuse to ever ask the question, “Am I with the right person?”  Because it is irrelevant.  You are with who you chose to be with.  You are with the one you chose, willingly, to love for the rest of your life.

Angry CoupleThis leads me to the biggest thought to come out of all this.  That is another truth about the nature of love.  The nature of love, the act of love is to put another’s needs before your own.   Read the rest of this entry »


Woman at the Well, Part 4: Changing the Subject, Avoiding the Issue

by admin

SilhouetteWe are finally returning to a series I started a fair time ago.  The story of the Woman at the Well has always fascinated me for the many layers that are there, embedded in a simply recounting of Jesus meeting a woman while on a hot, dusty trek from Jerusalem up into Galilee, where He spent the bulk of His ministry.  The encounter is at once intensely countercultural, incredibly affirming, shockingly political, and startlingly irreligious.  In this story Jesus tears down walls of race, class, gender, religion, and even shame, hopelessness, isolation and despair.

Check out Parts 1, 2, and 3.  Now, we turn to a fascinating interchange that takes place as Jesus forces the woman to confront who she is and where she has found herself.

The woman said to him, “Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you say that in Jerusalem is the place where people ought to worship.”
(John 4:19-20 ESV) Read the rest of this entry »


Woman At The Well Part 1: Thirst and Avoidance

by admin

One of the first times I ever spoke was on John 4 – the woman at the well.  It’s a fascinating little anecdote from Jesus’ early ministry, and it holds a number of unique insights about both Jesus’ purpose, method, and outcomes, as well as a couple of unique insights about human nature and how people deal with stuff in their lives.

It’s a very contemporary story, because the woman Jesus encounters sounds very familiar to us.  She’s an intelligent, independent woman.  She has been educated.  She is up on the issues of her day.  She doesn’t sound like an undereducated, burkha-wearing middle eastern woman of 2000 years ago that most people imagine.  She isn’t a beaten down woman.  She isn’t a woman who is enslaved.  She follows her heart.  She makes her own decisions.

What plays out in this story is something many women and many men can relate to, because while the above description sounds quite modern, she carries burdens that most of us don’t carry today.  So I am going to do a series of posts here on this story, drawing out 6 fascinating truths from John chapter 4.

The first detail I want to point out is – the story begins with thirst.  And avoidance. Read the rest of this entry »


Marriage Tip #1

by admin

It has been a passion of mine to learn as much as I can about marriage and how it works, and how I can strengthen mine for about 8 years now.  Hence, I read a lot of stuff on marriage, and attempt to put that understanding into practice.  I must admit, I am not as good at rolling out some of these ideas as I would like to be, but nonetheless a few have stuck with me.

One foundational truth was taught to me a long time ago.  This foundational truth has the potential to guard your marriage against a host of forces that would pull it apart.  It is a truth that is hardly ever mentioned in romance books, movies and stories – in fact it is almost antithetical to the typical Hollywood love story.   I don’t know how I learned it, I don’t recall any of my family expressly teaching it to me (although as I look around at the remarkable – in many ways bizarre success rate of marriages in my extended family, somebody must have been teaching something somewhere).  It has been the bedrock of my marriage, and informed me from the very start what I am going to have to do to get and stay married.

It is this statement: love is a choice.

Read the rest of this entry »


Top
Theme by Selim Alvele | Copyright 2017 Fathering From Home | Powered by WordPress | 34 queries in 0.342 seconds.